Being a Woman

A huge part of becoming a doula is examining your biases. At least… it should be.

It has been for me.

In order to be a good doula, or at least the kind of doula I want to be, I’ve needed to work to remove my own opinions about certain things from the mix. The way I hope to be a pregnant person and then a parent isn’t the only good way, and what works for me won’t work for others. 

Well, a bias that I’m once again coming face to face with is the idea that women are always in competition with each other. I don’t believe this. Most of the time I don’t feel this way. But the capitalist patriarchy we’re surviving under reeeally wants women to hate each other. Like, so bad. 

One common facet of this imposed sense of female competition is body image. I’ve been comparing my body to the other girls’ bodies around me since I was probably like… five-years-old? “Fat” is synonymous with disgusting and pathetic under capitalist patriarchy. And it’s branded so deep in my psyche that my first thought when I look in the mirror is often pointing out which parts of me make me look the most “fat”.

And even if my logical brain, my empathetic and intelligent brain, knows that fat bodies are equally beautiful life forms worthy of love and dignity, my brain has been literally wired to think the opposite. 

It’s a constant effort to think otherwise. Like I have to unplug those patriarchy wires in my brain and manually plug them into the sockets that align with my values.

FUCK THAT. There’s no room for fatphobia in birth work. 

So, what does this have to do with doula-ing? Well, I’m glad you asked. 

Because I’ve been hardwired to hate myself like any good little American girl should, it would make sense that all other women are hardwired to hate me and themselves, too. I worried that once I entered the doula sphere I would be met with judgment for my newness and naivete. I feared it would be competitive and make me feel stupid or out of place, like an outsider. I subconsciously assumed that all of these other women would zero in on the same things I’d been giving myself a hard time about.

The women I’ve met in this process of becoming a doula have laid my worries to rest. They’ve been forthcoming with support and resources. They’ve validated my calling to this work. They’ve reached out to work with me, and encouraged me as I embark on this journey of starting my own business. Left comments on my new doula instagram to cheer me on. I was terrified to start posting! And almost immediately relieved that the women in my life showed up, even if just online, to tell me, “Yes, Livvy! You go!”

It turns out women are each other’s greatest allies, and the idea that we need to be in competition with each other is an insidious attempt to keep us from reaching our full power. It’s not the first time I’m learning this, but I guess I needed a reminder.

I quickly learned that in order to be good at this job without sacrificing my health and happiness, I’m gonna need to lean on the women around me. My first thoughts about parents and other doulas can’t be, “I wonder if they’re judging my outfit” or “I hope they don’t think I’m stupid”. Instead they need to be, “I wonder what I can learn from her experience” and “She might need me as much as I need her”.

This profession, the work of taking care of people during their most vulnerable moments, is one of the most natural manifestations of human relationships. Doulas have existed since humans existed, they just weren’t called that. The healers, the medicine women, the witches… people who learned generational wisdom about caretaking and lifegiving. They laid the groundwork.

People have always gotten pregnant, given birth, ended pregnancies, experienced pregnancy loss and infant loss. And there have always been other women there, sharing knowledge, holding their hand, cheering them on, crying with them, wiping their sweaty foreheads. While these life changing events are happening, who has the time to focus on trivial things like the way our clothes fit, whether or not we look “fat”, or if we chose the perfect words for our instagram caption?!

When it comes down to it, the feeble attempts to pit women against each other have no place here. And I really hope I can recognize when the patriarchy starts to sneak it's way back into my psyche, and promptly tell it to get lost.

I’m committed to embracing the raw, joyous, feminine humanity of this work.

To continually unpack the biases that would prevent me from doing so.

To see the best in the women around me.

And, hopefully, I’ll also see the best in myself.